We begin this lesson with 1 Samuel 18:30. Then the commanders of the Philistines went out to battle, and it happened as often as they went out, that David behaved himself more wisely than all the servants of Saul. So his name was highly esteemed. 1 Samuel 18:30
Once again the Philistines attacked and Israel responded. Despite thrown spears. Despite that he knew Saul had put him on the front line with nefarious motives, David kept showing up – kept giving his best - kept growing in wisdom, knowledge and skills. “And it happened as often as they went out, that David behaved himself more wisely than all the servants of Saul.” The portion about David’s behavior is actually sakal min = gained more wisdom. How did this impact what others thought about him? To say the least, they were impressed. Wisdom characterized David. How would/do you respond to someone like David? Impressed? Admire? Intimidated by? Jealous?
Saul definitely responded. Now Saul told Jonathan his son and all his servants to put David to death. But Jonathan, Saul’s son, greatly delighted in David. So Jonathan told David saying, “Saul my father is seeking to put you to death. Now therefore, please be on guard in the morning, and stay in a secret place and hide yourself. “I will go out and stand beside my father in the field where you are, and I will speak with my father about you; if I find out anything, then I will tell you.” 1 Samuel 19:1-3
Saul wanted David DEAD! That is definitely a strong (and strange) response to someone growing wiser and wiser with every opportunity, and using that wisdom on behalf of the kingdom. Who did he command to carry out this distorted command? “His son and all his servants.” If his spears didn’t get the job done than he’d use others. What does that tell you about Saul? He didn’t care if it was right, wrong, logical or foolish. Nor did he care what others thought about David. He was king and he wanted David dead. He had the power and he was going to use it.
Power is a scary thing. I am not sure which is scarier: when we know we have it or fail to recognize how much power we have. Very rarely are we truly powerless. Wherever you have impact or influence on what others do or how they respond, you have power.
Jonathan recognized he had power as well. In partnership with God, he used that power to have a godly influence and impact on others, beginning with warning David. Proverbs 3:27 tells us, “Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due, when it is in your power to do it.”
So Jonathan told David saying, “Saul my father is seeking to put you to death. Now therefore, please be on guard in the morning, and stay in a secret place and hide yourself. “I will go out and stand beside my father in the field where you are, and I will speak with my father about you; if I find out anything, then I will tell you.” 1 Samuel 19:2,3
It had to be hard to warn a dear friend about his own father. Notice what he didn’t do. There was no drama, no added commentary, no debasing his dad, no building himself up at his father’s expense. What could Jonathan have said? In situations like this, where someone is obviously wrong and foolish, lambasting them to the one being abused is easy. He could totally justify it. Jonathan could use, abuse or speak the truth. What he said to David and how he said it had the power to influence what David heard, thought and responded.
How do you think Jonathan’s choice of words and behavior impacted and prepared David to handle this situation?
Proverbs 15:1 says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” That applies to second party conversations as well as face-to-face conflicts. Jonathan’s gracious words and attitude encouraged David to be alert, wise and prepared without making David angry or fearful. Either would have made him more vulnerable.
Jonathan also used his power to confront his father. Leviticus 19:16 MSG tells us, “Don’t just stand by when your neighbor’s life is in danger. I am GOD.” For Jonathan that meant that he HAD to say something to spear throwing King Saul.
Confrontation is always an act of power. Problems will arise when that power is not surrendered to the Holy Spirit’s control. We are told in 1 Thessalonians 5:13b-15, “Live in peace with one another. We urge you, brethren, admonish the unruly, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with everyone. See that no one repays another with evil for evil, but always seek after that which is good for one another and for all people.”
What is your usual way of handling confrontation? For some it is “go where no man has gone before” or “where angels fear to tread”- powering their way into the situation, here, now and loud! Others run and cower in the corner. They have bought, been taught or caught from painful experiences that the only way to go is avoidance at any cost– that cost can be quite high.
For avoiders, self included, there are several excuses we make as to why we avoid conflict:
1. We buy the lie that we are powerless, having no impact or influence on them.
2. We believe it won’t make a difference. They will do what they want any ways.
3. We don’t know how to do it effectively.
Scripture addresses the 3rdexcuse as Jonathan provides us with a wonderful model: Then Jonathan spoke well of David to Saul his father and said to him, “Do not let the king sin against his servant David, since he has not sinned against you, and since his deeds have been very beneficial to you. For he took his life in his hand and struck the Philistine, and the LORD brought about a great deliverance for all Israel; you saw it and rejoiced. Why then will you sin against innocent blood by putting David to death without a cause? 1 Samuel 19:4,5
1. Right person
Who confronted Saul? Why not David, the one being used for target practice? It needs to be the person who has earned the right to be heard – the right to wound. Proverbs 27:6a NIVsays, “Wounds from a friend can be trusted.” In Psalm 141:5a NIV David’s personal request regarding confrontation is “Let a righteous man strike me – it is a kindness; let him rebuke me – it is oil on my head.” If there isn’t already a relationship of trust and respect, they are not going to be open to anything being said.
2. Right time
Jonathan hadn’t talked to his father yet when he warned David. He had NOT taken the “obvious”opportunity or “seized the moment” to “set his father straight.” He knew his father was acting foolishly; he also knew Saul would not hear truth in his present state of mind.
Do not speak in the hearing of a fool, for he will despise the wisdom of your words. Prov.23:9
When there is an important truth that needs to be heard, we need to make sure it can and will be heard. In the “heat of the moment” is never the right time. Jonathan didn’t react when his father told him to kill his friend, instead he took the time to respond wisely.
3. Right place
Verse 3 tells us Jonathan met with King Saul out in the field - “I will go out and stand beside my father in the field.” He needed to get his father to a place where he would, not just could, hear.
We need to be aware of places of power. For Saul that would obviously be his throne room, where everything reminds him that he was king: he had rights; he had power! He would be less likely to listen to constructive criticism in that setting. The same thing applies when they are in the place of power of the one doing the confronting. It can be intimidating and make them defensive.
Where is your place of power? For me, it is my kitchen. It makes me feel comfortable and in control. I also know that when my husband is behind his desk or the wheel, I have entered into his place of power. It is not an advantageous setting for me to bring up some issue. Early in our marriage we designated the bedroom as a non-power zone. Yes, it afforded privacy when the children were small, but had big ears. However, it needed to consistently be a peaceful place of rest and intimacy, not a place of confrontation.
Jonathan met with his father on the neutral ground of a field, most likely doing something neutral like taking a walk or even target practice– the 1000BC equivalent of shooting some hoops or tossing around a football (which may not be a neutral activity, depending on how competitive they are).
4. Right audience (or actually lack of one)
When it comes to confrontation, Matthew 18:15 tells us to meet with him/her privately: “If your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother.” This passage goes on to tell us that if they refuse to listen and the issue is important, involving others may be necessary. Always begin with keeping it just the two of you. Meeting one-on-one breaches barriers and reduces defensiveness.
Note: Private does not necessarily mean in private. In abusive relationships, meeting in public is prudent (i.e. a restaurant, public park or mall).
5. Right words
Jonathan didn’t attack, accuse or berate his father. He avoided the “deadly you” that accomplishes nothing. We know exactly what that “YOU” sounds like! It is pronounced from our “divine” perspective. Its purpose is to put them in their place. Note that he also avoided the caustic “always” and “never.”
Respect goes a long way. Luke 6:31says, “Treat others the same way you want them to treat you.” Paul asked the Corinthians, “What do you desire? Shall I come to you with a rod, or with love and a spirit of gentleness?”(1 Corinthians 4:21) We all want to be treated with dignity.
We need to recognize that attacking their character, judging their motives and beating them with the past is rooted in self-oriented power. There is no room in godly confrontation for hurting, getting even, embarrassing or teaching them a lesson. You can only speak for you, share your opinion, perspective and what you believe to be right and true.
6. Right attitude and tone.
Brethren, even if anyone is caught in any trespass, you who are spiritual, restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness; each one looking to yourself, so that you too will not be tempted. Galatians 6:1
We need to truthfully address the issue with love and gentleness. Speaking truth with love means there is no agenda or power play. Truth means an accurate retelling of what is or has occurred. Love means choosing to care and prioritize their best. Gentleness does not mean the truth is diluted. Sin is still identified as sin. However, “the facts” are not used as a weapon.
7. Right approach.
Unfortunately, with Saul that meant Jonathan had to appeal to his self-serving heart. “…his deeds have been very beneficial to you.” Self-anchored behavior is most likely the reason confrontation is even necessary, thus often where you too have to begin. You have to dwell on the positive and point out how he/she will benefit from doing the right thing.
8. Right intent.
The intent of godly confrontation is awareness and knowledge. You are sharing your perspective and opinion. You can express what you would like them to do and/or even what you think they should do, but the choice is always theirs, as well as the consequence that come with their decision. You have to leave the choice up to him/her. When we omit this vital step, the other steps can be undermined as they can still feel like they are being told what to do. We all know how well that works.
How did Saul respond this time? Saul listened to the voice of Jonathan, and Saul vowed, “As the LORD lives, he shall not be put to death.” Then Jonathan called David, and Jonathan told him all these words. And Jonathan brought David to Saul, and he was in his presence as formerly. 1 Samuel 19:6,7
This time Jonathan was able to reason with his father. The relationship between Saul and David was temporarily restored.
Even if you follow this godly model of confrontation, there are no guarantees they will see the error of their ways and do what you think they should. Actually, if you are trying to get them to see or do things your way, you may have more “success” demanding, intimidating, threatening, and manipulating … and need some godly confrontation yourself. You can make sure they know you are “right,” but you can still be terribly wrong, as the absence of grace and glory is woefully obvious. Out of incredible grace, expect the Holy Spirit to confront you about your attitude and motive. But like Jonathan’s model, He leaves the choice up to you.
