[Lesson 3 in a series on juggling roles, relationships and responsibilities.]
After
36 years of marriage there is only one part of my wedding dress that fits – the
veil. Unfortunately it doesn’t look like
it did on May 20, 1978. Time crammed in
a box has definitely affected its appearance.
Time can also affect the marriage that began when the veil was
wrinkle-free. I’ve kept my dress and
veil because it is special to me, but not nearly as precious as my
marriage. Hebrews 13:4 tell us,
“Marriage is honorable.” In Greek, the
word translated “honorable” actually means “valuable, worth the cost or
investment.” It is far too valuable to
let it “age,” let its vitality and freshness fade with time. But it can happen. If it has been anytime at all, wrinkles may
have begun to set in. Whether you have
been married one year or fifty, it is time to make the investment of time and
effort to shake out the wrinkles – not out of your veil, but out of your
marriage.
Don’t
you wish you could just give your marriage a good snap, apply a little steam
and watch the wrinkles just fall away?
Sorry, there is no such thing as permanent press, stain-resistant
marriages. Ironing out the wrinkles
takes effort. It takes time. But it can be done.
How?
1)
Remember
Why
did you marry your husband? Do
you even know? Every bride should have to make a list before
she can put on that fits-forever veil.
And it should be laminated (the list, not the veil). Then, when he does
things she doesn’t understand – pull it out.
When he is annoying – pull it out.
When the world screams “this isn’t working, time to bail out” – pull it
out. Leave it out or at least keep it
where it can be quickly located.
You
need to make a list as well. Years later
it may be hard to remember exactly why.
But it is not too late. The fact
that you are married is evidence that you had at least one reason why of all
the men in this world, you married him.
The challenge is to come up with five reasons. If you truly can’t remember what the reasons
were back then, then start where you are at.
List five reasons why you would marry him today. Set aside any negatives and focus in on the
positive characteristics, attitudes and actions.
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is
noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is
admirable --if anything is excellent or praiseworthy --think about such things.
Philippians 4:8
Remember
these things. Read this list often! And do everything you can to encourage these
attributes, attitudes and actions in his life.
Accentuate the positive; eliminate the negative.
My
5 reasons were and still are:
- He has a genuine love
for the Lord.
- He is not impulsive
regarding what really matters and stands behind his decisions with
integrity. His decision to marry me
was well thought out and once made backed with wholehearted commitment.
- His love for me is
totally unconditional. He accepts
me completely as I am while wanting what is best for me, encouraging and
supporting change where needed.
- Together our
strengths and weakness bring balance to our lives. Our differences make the other better.
- His parents. I truly admired his dad, especially his
thoughtfulness, integrity and compassion. He was giving and
accepting. He had a gentle spirit
and was a man of peace. And I see
the same characteristics in Kim. I
also see the respect and honor with which he treated his mom regardless of
her actions or attitude. I knew how he treated her was how he would treat
me.
2)
Revisit
What
was your first fight about, your first disagreement, the first issue that
really pushed your buttons? I am not
asking you to dig up old dirt. But, you
need to revisit that moment for one very important reason: more likely than not, the same issue(s) is at
the heart of nearly every argument or annoyment since. It has been repackaged so many different ways
that we don’t recognize that we are really dealing with the same issue(s) over
and over again.
For
my husband and myself it was timing – the “When War.” He is ‘round-to-it kind of guy (eventually he
does get around to doing it). I am prone
to being impulsive. How we communicated
also played a big part in the “When War” battles. When I say we should do something – like
rearrange the furniture, I have already rearranged it a dozen times in my mind
and decided just where it would look good or at least decided that where it was
is not where it “should be.” If he says
“you are right,” then starts reading the newspaper (and he reads every
article), it pushes my buttons. I am
ready to rearrange the furniture right then – now. He is ready to start thinking about it. If before he goes to work he just happens to
say we should do something – like rearrange the furniture, I hear it from my
perspective – already decided, and when he gets home from work the room is
totally transformed or torn apart ready for him to tell me how he wants
it. He comes home and is totally
baffled. He doesn’t even remember the
conversation. He was just thinking out
loud and between then and now decided it looked best where it was and discarded
the idea. Rearranged furniture is easily
re-rearranged. Painted walls, getting
back something thrown or given away, dealing with a day of hard work wasted and
unappreciated is not so easy. And if we
really do agree something needs to be done, I assume NOW; he assumes at some
time. To make sure “not now” doesn’t
mean never, I nagged. You know how well
that went over. We repackaged our “When
War” dozens of ways. Each time we
thought it was about the furniture, or finding the money, or the whatever. It wasn’t.
It was about when.
You
need to figure out what the underlying issue is that keeps adding wrinkles to
your marriage. Figuring it out is not
easy, but it is crucial.
3)
Review
Don’t
stop with identifying the what. How do
you handle problems? Review the how it was handled. That first disagreement –
tension trigger – also set the precedence of how that same issue and others
would be handled.
There
are three “usual” ways:
1. Go around it - “That’s the way we are take it or leave it.” It is will vs. will. “I’ll do what I want and face the
consequences. If he doesn’t like it, he will just have to get over it.” “He is
going to do what he wants, it is the cost of being married to him.” This is not
admirable martyrdom, but nothing more than martyr pride.
2. Ricochet off it. - Glance
off the real issue and focus on some fabricated problem. “The problem is I married the wrong
guy.” “The problem is his mother … his
job … this house …“ “The problem is we
need more time … money… stuff … activities … distractions …”
3. Don’t go there. “If we talk about it, it will only make it worse than it
already is.” “I can’t change him, I don’t want to change me.” “The only options are give in, or give up” –
so just don’t go there, avoid the confrontation at all cost.
The
problem is none of these solve the problem.
It is still there to resurface at another time in another
situation. It doesn’t go away. It comes back again and again with increasing
frequencies.
There
is really only one way that works: you have to work through it. This requires thinking it through and asking
yourself: “why?” Why did it bother
you? Why did it bother your
husband? Ask him why. What is his perspective? Is he a go by feelings or logic person? Does he think out loud or only after he has
come to a decision? What are some
experiences in each of your past that would cause this issue to be so touchy? Knowing
and understanding the other’s perspective will make all the difference in your
marriage.
Ask
lots of questions, first of yourself, then him. Conversation does not have to
mean confrontation. There are some key
elements needed to make this possible.
1) Plan when. When
there is an important topic that needs to discussed, we need to make sure it
can and will be heard. In the “heat of the moment” is never the right time.
2) Seek a neutral setting. We need to be aware of places of power, yours
and his. This is where we feel comfortable and in
control. Our place of power gives us an advantage, can be intimdating and make
the other defensive.
3) Keep it personal. It becomes a power play when others
are involved. Don’t try to outnumber with other
people’s opinion on the matter.
4) Dwell on the positive and what benefits everyone
impacted.
5) Be committed to make the necessary
changes and compromises that enhance, encourage and enable the two of you being
all God designed and desires.
By wisdom a house is built, and through understanding
it is established; through knowledge its rooms are filled with rare and
beautiful treasures. Proverbs 24:3,4
The
meaning of the Hebrew words in this verse really packs a punch.
- Wisdom (Chokhma) -
seeing things with discernment.
- Built (bana) - restore or rebuild something so it flourishes
- Understanding (tevuna) - responding with insight.
- Establish (kun) - to set in order, to place in an upright position.
- Knowledge (da’at) -
learning with perception.
- Filled (mala) -overflowing, bringing
fulfillment and abundant satisfaction.
In
other words: “By seeing the conflict with discernment, a strong marriage is
restored and rebuilt so that it flourishes, and by responding with insight it
is set in order, placed in an upright position, and by learning with perception
the specific aspects that make up a marriage are overflowing with fulfillment
and an abundance of satisfying rare and beautiful treasures.”
What
this means for me is that I now ask, “Have you decided or are you still
thinking it through?” We specifically
discuss when. I tell him when I would
like to do it or have it done. I listen
to his reasons why later is better. We
decide together. My husband may not be
as conscious of my differing perspective, so I have to be exceptionally aware
of his. It is part of my enhancing,
extending and enabling role in our marriage.
4)
Rejuvinate
Talk
it up, live it up, build it up.
Talk
it up.
Communication
is the wheels of every relationship.
When your communication has a flat tire, don’t expect your marriage to
go anywhere. If it has a slow leak, fix
it before you have a costly blow out when you least expect it or can least
afford it. And if you have children,
remember the vehicle of your communication always has passengers.
Practice
the ACTS of communication. This acronym
is most often used in prayer (which is simply ongoing intimate conversation
with your Heavenly Father). A –
adoration; C – confession, T- thanksgiving, S – supplication. Use these same components to talk new life
and vitality into your marriage.
A – Take every opportunity to express how much you
appreciate your husband. Tell him how
much his love means to you, how secure you are in his faithfulness, how his
esteeming you boosts your self-esteem.
When his character and attributes impact your life, tell him.
C – Be completely honest. If you don’t understand, say so. If you screw up, admit it. If you find yourself falling short – of
resources, of strength, of God’s holiness, or whatever, tell him. Be real. Be
open, Be vulnerable. Be characterized by
integrity in all things.
T – Say “thank you” a lot!! The attitude of gratitude can never be over
expressed (both verbally and physically).
We all need to know that what we do for others is noticed and
appreciated.
S – Share your needs, your wants, your desires, your
hopes, your fears, and your dreams.
…. Aim for perfection, listen to my appeal, be of one
mind, live in peace. And the God of love and peace will be with you. 2 Corinthians 13:11
How can the two of you be of one mind, if your
husband does not know what is going on in yours.
Words
are powerful. Watch what you say.
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your
mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their
needs, that it may benefit those who listen. Ephesians 4:29
Live
it up. Treat him the way you want to be treated.
So in everything, do to others what you
would have them do to you, Matthew 7:12
This
is a perfect guideline for rejuvenating your marriage. Since you would want him to take into
consideration your perspective and personality, be sure to do the same. If he is a go-by-the-gut feeling person,
think about how it would make him feel and act/speak accordingly. If he is a logic person, think about whether
it would make sense from his perspective before going ahead. (And if you don’t know – go back to the “C”
of communication and ask.)
Seek
God’s wisdom, strength and ability to do the right thing consistently. Rely on His promise of 2 Corinthians 9:8.
And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so
that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in
every good work. 2 Corinthians 9:8
Build
it up.
Therefore encourage one another and
build each other up… 1 Thessalonians 5:11a
I
love Isaiah 43:18,19.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am
making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland. Isaiah 43:18,19
If
God is into doing “new things,” taking wrinkles out of deserts and
wastelands, then why not us. Be creative.
Think of ways you can pump new life into your marriage.
-
Dating is
important even after your married – so ask him out. Make the arrangements and go.
-
Trade off
“couple-only” weekends with a friend. If
you can’t afford actually getting away, play hotel at home.
-
Make him feel
special every time he walks in the door. Stop whatever you are doing and let
him know you are glad he is home. Regardless of what you were doing, he is more
important. If he is expected at home at
5:30, set the alarm for 5:10. Wash off
the dead mommy look, run a brush through your hair, add a touch of makeup if
needed, clear a path, give the kids something to be doing and when he walks in
the door make it a marriage moment. He
came home to you, celebrate it with a hug and a smile. Genuinely ask
about his day and listen. Your day’s woes can wait. Show him, show your kids, just how important
he truly is to you.
Come
up with your own works-for-you wrinkle removers/preventers.
How
often do you need to shake out the wrinkles in your marriage? Daily!
It needs to be a permanent item on your “to-do-list.” But it is definitely worth it! The two of you
get married once. The wedding is the beginning. Being married is daily with
daily effort, choices and commitment.
If
you are not keeping your marriage fresh and dynamic, it will grow stale. There
is so much in this world pulling you apart. At least one of you needs to be constantly
pushing you together, keeping you plugged in and your marriage recharged. Somedays you will feel like it is only you
making the effort, but it is not just you. You have the Holy Spirit willing to
empower you in this wonderful God-pleasing pursuit. Partnering with Him an
amazing marriage is truly possible.
